Yes, the hero dies in the end but he does not die in futility. Which also means that the reader's journey is not a futile one. A strange, well written story.
BK: One of my favorite characters in Japanese legend is the "konaki jiji" (the old man who cries like a child). In most cases he just vanishes,laughing, leaving the victim confused and shocked. Yaichiro got a fair tougher treatment.
Guy: Thanks for reading! I just glanced at your blog and see you're a flash fiction writer. I'm going to go back now and read more. Thanks again!
I feel like I've learned something about Japanese mythology! Overall, a very nice story.. I'd like to see a longer version so that you can fill it out a bit and maybe slow down the pace.
Jared: Yes, since writing it I've been mulling it over and would like to try it as 3,000~5,000 word piece. There is still more nuance and detail. See how that works. Thanks!
I see there is a comment about making the story longer. Good flash fiction stories are good because they "are" so short. A longer story is a new story. Try the experiment. Just remember it is the enforced word limits of flash fiction that make it work. In any lenght of fiction the words you leave out are just as important as the words you leave in. So that a 4,000 word story "should" read as if it could be a novel. A well written novel of 70,000 words should read as if it would make a good 120,000 word novel. A 1,500 word flash fiction story should read as if it would make a good 3,000 word longer story. Good luck.
Very interesting piece. I would like to have been privy to the scene where his wife questions him about what could have caused their daughter's illness, but you did start with action, and that's good. Plus you have to contend with the word limit, of course.
I have a few punctuation nitpicks, but I won't detail them.
Great story! I love East Asian myths and storytelling traditions. You did an excellent job of using these elements without adding a lot of dull explanation or being too obscure for a Western reader to follow.
I thought this was very intriguing. There was at times some awkwardness in phrasing and I wondered if it was intentional. I liked when Yachioro snaps, that was well done. I thought your ending was much stronger than your beginning. The momentum was excellent as we rocketed to the conclusion and the writing was more fluid.
Guy: I've only done a few real flash fiction pieces. I'll probably rewrite this a hundred times and see what happens.
Serena: Oh, you can nitpick on puncuation. I don't mind at all. I totally need to re-read this now that a few days have passed since I wrote it.
Bunnygirl: Thanks. Me too, about the Eastern myth!
Ello: In the beginning I kept going back and inserting ideas, taking stuff out. I bet that is where it was most choppy. Thanks. I will most assuredly go back and read it outloud to get it smooth.
All I can say is.. WOW! Great piece of writing. Kind of dark... but enjoyably so. I just kept hoping the main character would win at the end. I am one of those people who love the happy ending and the neat little pink bow on top. LOL. When he found the baby, I was SURE it was a test of his morals.. one of those... you can't possible leave this helpless infant to die just because you are on a mission. But.. no.. sadly.. not the case.
Your writing was just brilliant. You left me wanting more, and your ending made me uncomfortable and reflective. I'd say you did your job well.
Oh, my dear friend, you honor me with your participation. How wonderfully you layer transformation upon transformation. And child, could you have put any more glorious folklore into this piece?!
I love this. I'll be printing it out for Miss Mama to read. I daresay it will have her clapping her hands in glee.
Kathleen: Sorry about the linkback thing. I'm trying to fix that.
In my twisted mind I think that it is a happy end of sorts; Yaichiro gets to be with his daughter forever now (her healthy/happy and him no longer living under the cruel eye of his wife), of course it is in some Buddhist paradise, not so much the real world.
Virginia: Thank you my dear! I was looking over the number of stories I wrote this year and was mildly depressed. You managed to squeeze another idea out of me, one that I am keen on fancy-fying. Thank YOU!
A moving story--and kept surprising me throughout! Good job.
I think the story itself is the right size for flash fiction. I agree that there is choppiness, and I think some of the text in the choppy section can be cut to slim the story down to its elements.
In this case, you can take away and reshape; I don't think anything needs to be added.
This is a wonderful story, and it reminds me so much of the Japanese supernatural tales and Lafcadio Hearn. I love the rhythm and pacing after the opening paragraphs, and the way it builds up to an ending that I didn't expect (I'm an optimist at heart, and I thought Yaichiro was going to make it.)
Virginia: Tell Mama I'll write her a happy story soon.
Arachne: I really wanted to do a five hundred word piece. This got away from me. But I'll try to cut it down and see what happens. Thanks!
WriterKat: Thank you!
AlbinoSquid: Did you know that Lafcadio Hearn used to live in the town I do? As a matter of fact, my old house was a block away from his old house. Lord, I wish I could write like HIM! Or, heck, channel him maybe.
As someone that's completely unfamiliar with Eastern folklore, you had me completely captivated with this piece. From beginning to end I just kept on wanting more and more of the story. Some of the sentences were a little choppy in regards to punctuation but, I think, those are easy enough to get past in a blog post. Your writing was excellent and the description of everything was amazing. I loved that instance at the end with the weight of the world on the man's shoulders and the fact that he died. While many like the happy ending, I find a piece where the hero dies a nice breath of fresh air. Great job!
Minor nitpick - if his joints and bones were popping, they wouldn't be slightly painful.
I enjoyed this very much. I love that it brought me to a different time and culture and immersed me in it and held me there. Your style has, to an admitted nonexpert, a definite Japanese feel.
25 comments:
man I thought he was gonna make it! Brothers Grim would of loved having you on their writing team, lol.
Yes, the hero dies in the end but he does not die in futility. Which also means that the reader's journey is not a futile one. A strange, well written story.
BK: One of my favorite characters in Japanese legend is the "konaki jiji" (the old man who cries like a child). In most cases he just vanishes,laughing, leaving the victim confused and shocked. Yaichiro got a fair tougher treatment.
Guy: Thanks for reading! I just glanced at your blog and see you're a flash fiction writer. I'm going to go back now and read more. Thanks again!
I love the voice of this, it's steeped in Eastern storytelling, and tradition. Beautiful.
Excellent, and I really liked the mythology of the piece.
I feel like I've learned something about Japanese mythology! Overall, a very nice story.. I'd like to see a longer version so that you can fill it out a bit and maybe slow down the pace.
Cath: Thank you!
Catherine/Phoenix: And thank you!
Jared: Yes, since writing it I've been mulling it over and would like to try it as 3,000~5,000 word piece. There is still more nuance and detail. See how that works. Thanks!
I see there is a comment about making the story longer. Good flash fiction stories are good because they "are" so short. A longer story is a new story. Try the experiment. Just remember it is the enforced word limits of flash fiction that make it work. In any lenght of fiction the words you leave out are just as important as the words you leave in. So that a 4,000 word story "should" read as if it could be a novel. A well written novel of 70,000 words should read as if it would make a good 120,000 word novel. A 1,500 word flash fiction story should read as if it would make a good 3,000 word longer story. Good luck.
Very interesting piece. I would like to have been privy to the scene where his wife questions him about what could have caused their daughter's illness, but you did start with action, and that's good. Plus you have to contend with the word limit, of course.
I have a few punctuation nitpicks, but I won't detail them.
Powerful. Thanks for participating!
Great story! I love East Asian myths and storytelling traditions. You did an excellent job of using these elements without adding a lot of dull explanation or being too obscure for a Western reader to follow.
I hope to read more of your stuff!
I thought this was very intriguing. There was at times some awkwardness in phrasing and I wondered if it was intentional. I liked when Yachioro snaps, that was well done. I thought your ending was much stronger than your beginning. The momentum was excellent as we rocketed to the conclusion and the writing was more fluid.
Guy: I've only done a few real flash fiction pieces. I'll probably rewrite this a hundred times and see what happens.
Serena: Oh, you can nitpick on puncuation. I don't mind at all. I totally need to re-read this now that a few days have passed since I wrote it.
Bunnygirl: Thanks. Me too, about the Eastern myth!
Ello: In the beginning I kept going back and inserting ideas, taking stuff out. I bet that is where it was most choppy. Thanks. I will most assuredly go back and read it outloud to get it smooth.
All I can say is.. WOW! Great piece of writing. Kind of dark... but enjoyably so. I just kept hoping the main character would win at the end. I am one of those people who love the happy ending and the neat little pink bow on top. LOL. When he found the baby, I was SURE it was a test of his morals.. one of those... you can't possible leave this helpless infant to die just because you are on a mission. But.. no.. sadly.. not the case.
Your writing was just brilliant. You left me wanting more, and your ending made me uncomfortable and reflective. I'd say you did your job well.
Oh, my dear friend, you honor me with your participation. How wonderfully you layer transformation upon transformation. And child, could you have put any more glorious folklore into this piece?!
I love this. I'll be printing it out for Miss Mama to read. I daresay it will have her clapping her hands in glee.
Thank you, my friend.
XOXO
Kathleen: Sorry about the linkback thing. I'm trying to fix that.
In my twisted mind I think that it is a happy end of sorts; Yaichiro gets to be with his daughter forever now (her healthy/happy and him no longer living under the cruel eye of his wife), of course it is in some Buddhist paradise, not so much the real world.
Virginia: Thank you my dear! I was looking over the number of stories I wrote this year and was mildly depressed. You managed to squeeze another idea out of me, one that I am keen on fancy-fying. Thank YOU!
Okay, Miss Mama's read it now and this is what she said:
"I liked her story very much, but it scared me! The story is very well done."
Mama wants you to expand it, of course, for she wants to read it with more detail.
Woohoo! You're a hit, hon! :D
A moving story--and kept surprising me throughout! Good job.
I think the story itself is the right size for flash fiction. I agree that there is choppiness, and I think some of the text in the choppy section can be cut to slim the story down to its elements.
In this case, you can take away and reshape; I don't think anything needs to be added.
This was really enjoyable to read, it was a beautiful story and the stories within the story were captivating. I loved how you tied it all together.
This is a wonderful story, and it reminds me so much of the Japanese supernatural tales and Lafcadio Hearn. I love the rhythm and pacing after the opening paragraphs, and the way it builds up to an ending that I didn't expect (I'm an optimist at heart, and I thought Yaichiro was going to make it.)
Virginia: Tell Mama I'll write her a happy story soon.
Arachne: I really wanted to do a five hundred word piece. This got away from me. But I'll try to cut it down and see what happens. Thanks!
WriterKat: Thank you!
AlbinoSquid: Did you know that Lafcadio Hearn used to live in the town I do? As a matter of fact, my old house was a block away from his old house. Lord, I wish I could write like HIM! Or, heck, channel him maybe.
As someone that's completely unfamiliar with Eastern folklore, you had me completely captivated with this piece. From beginning to end I just kept on wanting more and more of the story. Some of the sentences were a little choppy in regards to punctuation but, I think, those are easy enough to get past in a blog post. Your writing was excellent and the description of everything was amazing. I loved that instance at the end with the weight of the world on the man's shoulders and the fact that he died. While many like the happy ending, I find a piece where the hero dies a nice breath of fresh air. Great job!
Thank you so much Kate! I have a cleaner version on my computer. I need to clean up this one.
Very well done - I enjoyed this immensely! Suspensful until the end.
Minor nitpick - if his joints and bones were popping, they wouldn't be slightly painful.
I enjoyed this very much. I love that it brought me to a different time and culture and immersed me in it and held me there. Your style has, to an admitted nonexpert, a definite Japanese feel.
Excellent!
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